A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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