Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize