Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Randomize
