I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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