i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
