she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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