Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
try to milk me bitch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
