i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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