Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize