Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's shark week go big or go home
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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