if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
