No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
