Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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