I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
