he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
