I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
