O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
