how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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