All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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