were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
