this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
