imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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