Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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