i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
