My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
