Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Those nachos came to me in a dream
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think I just sharted jello shots
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