Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
