The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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