He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
