If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
