the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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