Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my poor anus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
