so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
