just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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