Pants 0. Shit 1.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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