No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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