i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We're too hungover to prance.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
