who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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