I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
