I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize