Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
