Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He passed out mid-signature
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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