I wish I could teleport
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he thought i was a dude.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
