I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize