I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
