So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
