if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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