i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
