i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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