He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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