All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
