lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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