oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
