my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize