I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
