if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
