she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
