decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
