hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
