I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
