I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
