I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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