Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Boobs speak an international language.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to calm my uterus...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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