I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize