And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
