He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
