just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
